Even the best fall down sometimes

..My mom’s been upset for the last few days and I honestly don’t know what to do or say anymore. She’s sinking deeper and deeper into her ongoing battle with depression lately and everytime I try and talk to her she puts up the front any mother would to ” protect her kids”. I love her so goddamn much but I just dont know what to do anymore,

She’s the best and I certainly hope she had the best day possible<3

I hate this hell hole, 50 more days left or someshit like that? it can’t come any sooner. I swear if one more guidance teacher/ staff member ask’s me if I plan on graduating this year I will punch them in the face. Is that your sick way of making someone feel even lower than they already do? trying to encourage someone to go to school? Maybe you should use other words, something alittle encouraging and positive, fuckin hoes.

I want you out of my life, you’re honestly nowhere being able to call yourself a parent or in the position that makes you think you have a right of knowing what’s going on in our life. You walked out on us, remember? You chose this all on your own knowing we wouldn’t accept you back, just give up please. I’m tired of hearing about you and the man you’ve become now, you’re honestly a stranger to me. The past 5 years have been hell because of you and your actions. Thank you for making me realize the world isn’t perfect and promises are often broken, you’re the biggest example out there.  People often ask me why I don’t believe in love, or happy endings and you know why? Because you showed me the complete opposite. It was hell for us. I can’t stand the fact that you still act like you have a right to try and act as if your opinion about our decisions will have an influence on us, you know nothing about the person I’ve become. You know nothing about my younger brother who’s becoming a great young guy. Bigger than you’ll ever be. When the going gets tough he sticks it out, works and does everything possible to make things right again. You left us, stop trying to hold on now.

People think it’s somewhat funny how I’m always late for school, I miss class because I oversleep, almost everyday of the week. The thing is they don’t fully understand, if I can’t get up in the morning like every other kid at school who shows up on time it’s for a reason. I don’t sleep at night, I can’t. I overthink everything, it’s like the minute I’m alone and have time on my hands my mind goes insane. I get scared, I worry myself too ,much. Getting up in the morning is always a fear, I’m scared of not getting up on time to make the bus, I’m scared of disapointing my mom and having to tell her I missed another day of school because I couldn’t get up. It gets old, people believe you do it on purpose or that you’re too lazy to get up and try. But let me tell you in all honesty that I try, I’m paranoid of not getting up lately, I have two alarm clocks set up, one at the foot of my bed and one at the head of my bed. I plug my phone in and then set 3-4 different alarms, all different ring tones. I set my clocks 5 minutes ahead and all of my alarms are set for different times. And it still doesn’t seem like enough. The school’s getting tired of it too, the detentions they give me don’t help even though they think it will help with personal discipline. I don’t need detentions or someone giving me a speech, I don’t need someone telling me to stop going to bed so late. What I need is for my brain to fuckin shut down, I need my anxiety to stop controlling me to the point where I can’t sleep. It’s draining and exhausting.